Easy pork schnitzel

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You will need

1 pork leg steak

1/4 cup cooking lard. Real lard, not that processed garbage from the store.

around a cup of flour

1 teaspoon each of salt, pepper, and dried thyme

5 eggs

a cup or two of breadcrumbs or panko

A piece of plastic wrap or wax paper or parchment paper or something like that

A decent frying pan such as a cast iron skillet

a rolling pin or something like it

a knife

tongs, a spatula, or a very high pain tolerance (seriously just use tongs)

Since pigs use them to walk around all day, pork legs get a nice workout and thereby develop a lot of flavor. They also get very tough and need some special care in cooking so as to tenderize them. Ordinarily the rear leg is cured as ham or ground into sausage, and the front leg is turned into roasts for slow cooking or smoking, or cut into steaks which can then be slow cooked (such as in a braise) or smoked. All of these slow cooking methods tenderize the pork. Making schnitzel is a great way to speed up the cooking time while still tenderizing the meat. (It does not, however, save on cleanup time.)

Put the flour on a plate or in a bowl. Mix the salt, pepper, and dried thyme into the flour. Use any kind of grain flour you want.

Crack the eggs into a bowl and mix them.

Put the breadcrumbs on a plate or in a bowl.

Cut the pork leg steak into smaller pieces. For a one inch thick steak, cut pieces about the size of a deck of cards.

Put a piece of pork on a hard surface such as a cutting board or countertop, and place over it a piece of plastic wrap or something like it. Now take your rolling pin or equivalent whack the pork. Once the pork is pounded down to about a quarter-inch thickness you should probably stop and move on to another piece. Don’t try to save time by getting your pork steak cut a quarter-inch thick, because you still need to pound on it to tenderize it. Repeat until all the pork is pounded.

Add lard to the frying pan and apply heat. You want it hot but not insane. Lard has a high smoke point, so if it’s smoking your pan is way too hot, turn it down.

If you are perturbed by sizzling spatters of hot lard on your forearms, get someone else to do the rest of this. Or maybe wear long sleeves.

Using one hand only, and potentially your non-dominant hand, take a piece of pork and put it in the seasoned flour so both sides are covered with flour. Shake off the excess. Take said piece of pounded pork and plop it into the eggs so both sides are covered in egg. Shake off the eggcess. Now gently put it into the breadcrumbs and make sure to get both sides. Excess breadcrumbs can fall off on their own.

Now use the same hand to place the pork into the frying pan. The thimbles of caked-on flour, egg, and breadcrumb on your fingers should help to shield your soft, delicate, dainty fingers from the painfully popping melted lard. You could also use tongs, but whatever you do please do not toss the pork into the hot cooking fat from a distance causing boiling-hot cooking fat to spatter up at you. The problem with using tongs is that you risk the pork slipping out of the tongs too early and causing the hot fat to splash up at you.

Repeat until your frying pan is full, keeping an inch or so between each piece of pork in the pan.

Cook each piece for just a few minutes, then flip using tongs or a spatula with your other hand that isn’t covered in a sticky mess. There’s no point in washing your hands until you’re finished cooking all the pork, and you don’t really have time anyways as these cook quite quickly after being pounded out to a quarter-inch thickness. This is why you may want to use your non-dominant hand to do the breading. After flipping the pieces cook them another few minutes on the other side, then remove from the frying pan. The pork should be cooked through with just a few minutes of cooking on each side; check the first piece to make sure. Repeat until all the pork is cooked.

These are even better with some kind of sauce. Either a brown gravy, a fruit-based condiment such as a chutney, or a mayonnaise-based sauce (“aioli”) such as mayo-and-mustard, mayo-and-relish, or something like that.